The one that started it all:
The Case of The Butch and The Blonde- Law and Order:SVU Alex/Olivia
with The Hoyay Hall of Fame:
There are times when it is impossible to reign in my thoughts of you, when I glance at the calendar sitting on my desk and realize that it’s been exactly eighty four… two-hundred and twelve… three-hundred and sixty-four days since you disappeared in the blackest night that I can remember ever experiencing. The city is not a dark place. It is bright and so full of life, and at one time, so were you.
Are you still?
Sometimes I seek a reprieve from the life bustling around me. I slip into bed and hug my pillow, fade into unconsciousness where I dream of spun gold and shades of blue, of ice set aflame and searing crimson smeared across my palms. The latter always tears me apart, grips me, pulls me awake and makes me want to scream out in frustration and fear.
This night is not the same as the rest. I am too desperate to even think about sleeping as I count down the minutes to the moment you left me, one year ago this night. It is now that I become prisoner to an abundance of questions that you cannot possibly answer, and quiet reassurances from somewhere outside of me that you are just fine.
The questions are the same every time.
I wonder where you are. Do you see the Arizona desert or the mountains of Colorado? Maybe you see the beaches of Florida. Are you surrounded by large green trees or rolling hills covered in lush grass? Or are you lost in a jungle of metal and cement? I remember sitting with you in your office late one night after going over details for court the next day, Chinese food containers forgotten on the table. You told me you had always loved the city, but you would love to live in a remote area if you ever decided to leave the city. It wasn’t your choice, I know, but how do you like your home now?
As always, I wonder who you are.
What is your name? To me you will always be Alex Cabot (never Alexandra, I know you hated being called this), but to all except a select few, she is dead. I mourn her death, and the loss of many more days spent in her presence.
What kind of job do you have? Are you happy working a more mundane job or do you long for the days of prosecuting criminals we worked hard to put away?
Are you still the same strong woman that you were (always, ‘til the very end)? I imagine that you are. I know you. I know you’re a fighter. Not even death can take that away from you. You survived, and even though you had to leave—me, it was me you left behind—I saw the fire in your eyes. I don’t believe for a second you let fear dictate your every thought and action.
I feel it every moment that you are away from me… that pain. It takes my breath away and cripples me to the point where I cannot think about anything—at least not about anything except for you.
I know that what I feel does not even begin to compare to what you must have felt that first night, utterly alone as you departed to resume life with a brand new identity, but I want to know that it has lessened. That you realize that wherever you are, I am right there with you just as you are right here with me. In the warmth of the sun against your face, in the gentle breeze as it grazes your skin… I am there with you, until the moment you return to me. I believe that one day you will come back for me, and that I will finally be able to tell you the things I withheld from me when I thought I had time.
You set my heart aflame the moment we met, and though I didn’t know it at first, you kept it burning bright even after you left. And I know that one day, you will return to rekindle the fire that burns for you—it is this reunion that I dream of almost nightly.
Just as I have every moment for the last year, I’ll be seeing you… and next time, I’ll greet you with my love.
I would give my first born for Alex to be the ADA and for her to profess her love for Olivia.
Okay, if you’re not following jesseriot already, you should be. Just sayin’.
- Alex/Olivia, Law and Order: SVU
Alex was the first to break it after a moment. “It’s chilly out.”
“Yeah, winter tends to be like that.” Olivia teased.
Alex laughed. “I was trying to strike up a conversation.”
“So you became Captain Obvious.” Olivia smirked.
“Well it worked, didn’t it?” Alex teased back.
hahahaha! I lol’d